ANOTHER christmas.

okay.. so i just got done breaking down in my bathroom as i was brushing my teeth. i yelled some profanities in frustration to myself while crying. she can just use her fuckin infant daughter as a shield while her daughter's dad is KICKING her. NO WONDER WHY HE WAS KICKING HER STUPID ASS IF SHE'S GONNA BRING HER OWN DAMN DAUGHTER INTO THE FIGHT INSTEAD OF PROTECTING HER OR DOING EVERYTHING SHE COULD DO TO MOVE HER OUT OF THE CONFLICT. CAN'T EXPECT A NARCISSISTIC SELFISH BUM TO DO THAT THOUGH! she can't even visit her own fucking daughter on christmas or EVEN call her to wish her a merry christmas. i just hope she has to experience EVERYTHING that i've had to go through on account of her stupid ass. i was listening to the positive note of the day on the radio and it said you're not supposed to wish bad things on other people. i'm not sure if this would count as a "bad" thing seeing as she was the CAUSE of everything i wish she has to experience HERSELF. just sweeping this negligence and abuse DOESN'T solve shit either amanda and the rest of my negligent, uncaring family. IT WON'T JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY. i've went through TWO surgeries SO FAR and i read the last stage to damages to my bowel is shitting in a bag- so a colostomy! DOESN'T BOTHER MY MOM! IT'S NOT HER PROBLEM! JUST AS LONG AS SHE CAN FIND A WAY TO MAKE HERSELF A "VICTIM" IN THIS SITUATION! she's never even taken any accountability for any of my surgeries OR ANYTHING that i've been through because of HER. i stayed in minnesota for this SHIT. now NO ONE WILL HELP ME GET TO WHERE I CAN BE TRULY CONSTRUCTIVE AND HAPPY BECAUSE IT'S TOO MUCH DAMN WORK FOR ANYONE TO SHOW ME CARE OR ADVOCACY. one example of the carelessness is how i called both amanda and her mom to notify them i was going to have to have surgery but NO ANSWER FROM EITHER OF THEM! FAMILY DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING THESE DAYS, WHICH IS ALSO WHY I SHOULDN'T BE FORCED TO DECREASE MY POTENTIAL AND ABILITY JUST TO FIT INTO THE MEDIOCRE AND EASY ASS BUBBLE THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE SELFISH AND HAVE NEVER ACHIEVED ANYTHING WANT, SO I DON'T PASS THEIR EGOTISTICAL ASSES IN ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT THEY CAN'T LAUGH SMUGLY AT OR TALK ABOUT. i should've figured i wasted my money on some presents for my mom, sister, and a few of her kids because my mom is too fucking stubborn to apologize. NEWSFLASH: THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND TRACY. i even thought about calling the man who almost killed me but had enough INTEGRITY to apologize for it (my mom could probably learn some things from him).. but then i remembered that he's an actual LOVING parent who pays attention to his family on the holidays and i didn't wanna spread any of my negative shit to him. so i'll be left until monday to discuss this with my psychologist. thanks mom and the rest of my family who feel it's wise to just condone this abuse/neglect! you're making me crazy (literally)! if i wasn't here.. i could at least be making MY OWN LIFE without thinking about this neglect and abuse BUT THAT'S TOO FUCKING MUCH FOR MY FAMILY TO ASSIST ME WITH BECAUSE MISERY LOVES COMPANY!.. *puts head down and middle finger up*. seriously. you're NOT helping like family is SUPPOSED to do. you're just helping my PTSD. this inability to communicate is just confirming my suspicions of the reason for both of my surgeries so far. my mom feels guilty and instead of being a person of integrity, she refuses to take accountability for this shit- which also feeds my ptsd. so if i sit here and think about the shit she's put me through and let it get to me- I'LL BE A MANIAC AND I'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO BE HAULED TO A MENTAL INSTITUTE. THEN SHE CAN GET SYMPATHY AND ATTENTION! so i'm trying my best not to think about how bums like her get away with this shit in life. i'm gonna go eat my pizza that i had fredrick get me yesterday so i could warm it up today for christmas dinner.